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Tuesday, September 9

Prelude to Choose Life

On August 4th, I announced that it was time for me to do another series and that after much prayer and reflection I knew the topic for the new series would be “Choose Life”. I announced this, confident that I would be able to put out some devotional-type articles relatively easily because this is something I so strongly believe in.

Oh, how wrong I was. I am working on this and I will put together a series, but I have been held up by the Lord. It’s very easy to make excuses about it – all of a sudden life got very busy for me, Sweet Pea was sick for nearly two weeks, then I was sick for nearly two weeks, we had another miscarriage, went on vacation, and finally came home and worked on getting caught up with things after being on vacation. All of this is true; however I also know that they’ve been convenient excuses to perpetuate avoidance.

What has really been going on, is a wrestling match with God. See, I thought I had it all planned out in my head, but it would seem that He had something else in mind. So, I guess you could say I have been experiencing first hand Proverbs 19:21, “Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.” And I’ve learned that when it comes to wrestling with God, I don’t win unless He wins first.

This began when I posted my intentions to do this series. A friend, Michelle, on nearly missed my post and suggested I start a discussion about it, so it could be easily found and discussed. I thought this was a great idea, so I did so. I briefly summarized what “Choosing Life” meant to me and asked others to add what it meant to them. I got great responses from various readers, and then there was “the one.” Michelle responded and said that for her, choosing life was first and foremost about choosing life in pregnancy and contributed a FANTASTIC and heartfelt plea for the unborn. Wow! I felt like I’d been hit by a truck, because I have to admit, I never once put the idea or Scripture of choosing life together with the Pro-Life cause. Not that I didn’t share those beliefs though, because I do. I am wholly, 100% Pro-Life, but for some reason linking the cause with the verse just never occurred to me.

Thus began the wrestling match. I knew I couldn’t pursue this topic until I first included this most important aspect of it. However, I didn’t really want to. The topic of abortion is controversial (but that doesn’t bother me), emotionally draining and one of our nations (and the world’s) greatest tragedies. Did I really want to delve so deeply into satan’s territory? Though I fought it hard, in the end I knew the Lord was right and I absolutely had to start with this.

Since Roe v. Wade was decided by the Supreme Court in 1973, nearly 50 million babies have been aborted. Liberals would have us believe that it is harmless. No one gets hurt. It’s not a baby anyway until it is born – it’s just a fetus. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Please get the facts. Find out about abortion, partial-birth abortion (it is hideous), Planned Parenthood (and Margaret Sanger, founder of PP), and the Born Alive Infant Protection Act (to give medical care to a baby born alive after a botched abortion – Obama voted against it). There are some fabulous sites out there that can give you information on all of this and more.

I am completely Pro-Life now, but I wasn’t always. I grew up in the 70’s (childhood) and 80’s (teen years) and didn’t have a lot of Christian influence in my life. When I was an early adolescent, my mom told me “even good girls get pregnant”. I’m not sure why, but I understood that to mean that teenage pregnancy wasn’t a big deal. When I was 19 years old, I did get pregnant. And I got an abortion. I didn’t even give it much thought. I believed the lies, that it wasn’t a baby until 12 weeks, it (the baby or fetus as they called it) wouldn’t feel any pain and that I would be better off.

The small amount of thought that I did give it all seemed to point to what would be an easy fix. I had been partying really hard, nightly, and recently broken up with the boy who was the father. He was an awful person, so I wouldn’t want to be tied to him anyway. I grew up in a dysfunctional home with a single mom and didn’t want to inflict on any child the things I’d gone through. I thought abortion was the only way. I received no counseling contrary to that.

In that moment, in the worst possible way, I chose death. During that time of my life, I was in a really bad place. I hated myself, hated my life and wished I’d never been born. I was completely surrounded by darkness and I truly believed the best way to save the child within me was to not allow it to be born. It was my desire to save it from the life I’d had. So I chose abortion, murder, homicide, infanticide, whatever you want to call it, it is death forced on another innocent soul who didn’t ask to be conceived in the first place. I never thought of the blessing it could have been. I didn’t take responsibility for my actions. I just chose death.

Liberals and feminists say abortion is harmless, but that’s not true. This is something I have carried with me for 20 years. I have thought of this innocent child I killed many, many, many times since. It is my greatest shame, greatest regret and greatest moral failure. I felt this way ever since it happened, long before I became a Christian. I’ve heard many other women who’ve gone down this road, say the same or similar things.

Though I’ve never stopped thinking of the child I should have had, I made some sort of peace with it. I knew God forgave me and I was so, so sorry. I knew I couldn’t change it, but I also knew it changed me – for the better. It’s funny though, how things come back to haunt you. Eventually, having a family of my own became important to me. When we began trying, it wasn’t easy. It took us a year and a half to conceive the first time, but then I miscarried. It took eight months the second time and this pregnancy went full term and we had our sweet, beautiful daughter, almost a year ago. Because of our ages, we wanted to try again quickly. It took another eight months to conceive this latest time, but it too ended in a miscarriage. During the difficult times throughout this whole journey of trying to bear children, satan has always been there, jabbing at me with his poisonous lies – “it’s your own fault, this is what you deserve, you had your chance and you blew it, you’re not good enough!”

God’s grace has strengthened me and covered me. His love has shown me what love really is. He has changed me completely. And it is He who gives me the ability to choose life. I know someday I will see my unborn children in heaven – all three of them. Previous to this post, I’ve talked about the one, then two babies I’ve miscarried that are in heaven. Though I always thought about it, I’ve never mentioned the third. Here and now, I do.

Christians, please pray for life. Pray that the lie of the enemy will be exposed. Vote for those who are Pro-Life and against those who are Pro-Abortion. And be compassionate to those who are contemplating abortion. They need love, not criticism and support not judgment. And if the Lord leads your heart to help in some way, please do so. There are many great ministries and organizations that could use your time, talent or treasure. This is the best way to Choose Life.

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.” ~ Psalm 139:13

“Though my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will receive me.” ~ Psalm 27:10

“Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb is a reward.” ~ Psalm 127:10


LauraLee Shaw said...

Praying with you, Tracy. This is incredibly powerful and rich stuff. This is the stuff close and dear to God's heart. I'm so glad you included your testimony in this. Just makes it all more personal. So you go, sister, and I got your back in prayer.

Lori said...

What a great post. Thanks for sharing your personal story. I too, had an abortion when I was a teenager - believing lies and thinking my baby was just a lump of tissue.
To make a long story hort...almost immediately after I met Jesus and got saved, I was led to be a volunteer counselor at a crisis pregnancy center. I found that I had something called Post Abortion Syndrome, which is when you have feelings of guilt, shame...etc. PAS is very real. I went through a class with other woman who also had abortions, and really was able to internalize God's love and forgiveness. It is almost 6 years later, and I still am a counselor and advocate for life.
God bless you:) Stop by my site...I have something for you

Anonymous said...

Tracy your writings are so inspirational and I truly love visiting and reading your blog. I have a special surprise waiting for you at my blog. Stop by and pick it up! Blessings!

Joanne Sher said...

Wow, Tracy. This is incredibly powerful and heartwrenching. I am praying with you as well - and your testimony, like Laura said, makes this even more poignant.

The Surrendered Scribe said...

I'm sure it wasn't easy to post as transparently as you did and I pray God give favor on these words He gave you and that this post finds home in many hearts who share your story. I know so many women in and out of the church who just did not know what pursuing choice really meant. Like Lori stated, I know that many Crisis Pregnancy Centers have counseling/services/studies for those dealing with post abortion, even if decades later. Like Lori, those I know who went through the studies came out a lot healthier emotionally and went on to help others.

Like Laura, this is time for us to rally around you and lift you up in prayer. I'm someone who was told my chances to conceive were not good and I had difficulty with the first, a miscarriage, years in between, and the second came to be the very last month and time my husband was willing to try (he's 10 years older). What God has planned Tracy, no one, no thing, no plan, no past can stop.

Thank you again for your transparency. May you reap 100 fold what you sow for Him----all good things by the way!

Blessed One said...

Thank you all so much for your kind words, thoughts and prayers. I am amazed how being this open has been freeing for me, but also for others who've been there. I appreciate you all.

Amy~Saved by Grace said...

Great post Tracy. I am so glad you shared it with me. I have been there too as you know and there are so many women out there that have been hidden in their shame for so many years. God can heal them completely.