Just Holding On...

I guess it's time to re-connect with everyone here. I know I haven't been around much. Other than a few book reviews and the His Princess letters, I haven't been around at all. For once, I don't have much to say. I haven't written any blog posts (I'm sorry), I haven't written any fiction, and I haven't been around to visit any of you wonderful bloggy friends.

Today would have been my due date for the miscarriage I had in May. As much as I thought I had dealt with it previously, the grief has come back in full force. The six year journey of trying to have children has taken a toll on me, though I am SO thankful that we have had one. In addition, we've been dealing with another devastating situation for the last two years, which thankfully, is now behind us. However, now that it has passed, I'm feeling the weight and sorrow of that as well.

I know that there are so many people who are suffering greatly with trials much larger than my own and that I have much to be grateful for. And I am. Really. But I am also weary. A body can deal with a lot for a long time, but a time comes when you're so tired of the struggle that it takes what remains of your strength to simply hold on. That's where I'm at. It's where I've been for a while now. But I am holding on. I'm holding on to Jesus and I'm holding on to hope. Hope that next year will be better and I will be stronger, hope that God will restore what the locusts have eaten (Joel 2:25), and hope that all things work together for good for those who love the Lord and are called according to His purposes (Romans 8:28).

As this year draws to a close and I experience these feelings of loss, sorrow and weariness, there is one Scripture in particular that is speaking to me. And as such, I feel that it is appropriate to become next year's theme for Seed Thoughts. It is:

Thank you all for the friendship you've shown me since I began this blog a year and a half ago. Truly this whole experience has been a blessing. Thank you too for your patience in my lack of posting lately. I'm sure I'll be back on track soon. God is faithful and He will see me through.

Happy 2nd Birthday, Sweet Pea!

A Gift From God by Ron DiCianni© 2009.

Image used by Permission http://www.tapestryproductions.com/

On this day, two years ago, I was given my greatest gift. At 9:30 AM, on Sept. 18th, 2007, my precious Sweet Pea was born. When she was born, I experienced joy unknown. I was so grateful that God would entrust such an amazing and beautiful gift to me.

It has been such a great time, watching her to learn and grow. It has been such a great time, watching me learn and grow! I have discovered that one of my favorite things is the sheer delight that comes with hearing the squeals of laughter she so often engages in. And I’ve discovered the helplessness associated with knowing she’s sick in some way, and there’s little I can do to help her.

I find myself completely enraptured by this sweet little life that I’m helping to grow. And I remain so very, humbly grateful for the chance to be her Mommy.

Our camera is not working correctly, so there haven’t been any recent pictures. However, we’re having a little party tomorrow for her, and I have a friend who will be taking pictures, so I will post them next week. Now, I have much to do to prepare…

Anguish, Anger, and Acceptance . . . Again

When I first started this blog, one year ago, I was being obedient to God by sharing my words, thoughts, etc. Most of what I post here comes solely from me, but some of what I post is from another source (My Princess book, American Patriot’s Almanac, etc). Sometimes I like to be informative, other times I like to simply have fun, and once in awhile I share with you my journey.


Regardless of what is posted each day, I strive to be real and relevant. Sometimes my words are for God, sometimes for others, and sometimes they are for me. Like most of you who do much writing, I find it to be cathartic. Sometimes, I simply have to let what is deep inside of me out. This is one of those times. While this is for me, it is not private otherwise I wouldn’t be posting it here. It is real and it is honest. I don't do fake Christianity.


First, let me say that I’ve been a Christian for ten years now. My relationship with God is deep enough that I can be real with Him, and He's big enough to handle it. I know there are mountain top experiences and valley experiences – and neither last forever. I understand that elation is on the mountain top while growth happens in the valley. I know God has a plan. I know He will never forsake me. I know He collects all my tears in a bottle. I know He uses things intended for harm and turns them into good. I know that God is good. I know all of this. But sometimes, I feel . . .


I had hoped to make a wonderful announcement soon. Instead I’m disappointed again. On March 31st, I discovered I was pregnant. We decided to wait until our first scheduled u/s to make the announcement. We were hopeful that this one would take. It hasn’t. We are now in the midst of our third miscarriage. Third. We have been dealing with this “threatened miscarriage” for two weeks already. The pregnancy is not viable, there’s basically nothing left but an empty sac, which is not passing on its own, so we had to schedule a D & C for next Wednesday. The day before what would have been our first scheduled u/s. Five days before Mother’s Day.


I don’t understand any of this. I’m hurt, disappointed, confused and angry. Very angry. I’m angry with my body for once again rejecting the life that was trying to grow within. And I’m angry with God. I know He could have intervened, but He didn’t. For whatever reason, known only to Him, He has allowed me to carry this burden again. As I have continued to delight myself in Him, I have not gotten the desires of my heart, but rather heartache.


I have an amazing, healthy and beautiful daughter that I love with all of my heart and I am eternally grateful for, but I wanted at least one more. Is that so wrong? This has been a five year journey. We are “older” first time parents and I desperately wanted to give Sweet Pea a sibling or two, because the likelihood of our passing when she is still relatively young is pretty strong. Of course that’s not the only reason we wanted another child. We just did.


The thing that gets me, is that those who seem least able or worthy of having children, have no problem doing so. Teens who are still children themselves, girls and guys who’d rather party than parent, drug addicts, welfare recipients, child abusers or murderers, etc. Rarely does a day go by that there’s not news of terrible child abuse. Just yesterday I heard of a local man and wife who’d been arrested for extreme child abuse. They admitted to breaking both the legs and an arm, as well as numerous other injuries, on their four year old daughter, over a potty training incident!


Once again, I just don’t understand. I come from a screwed up, dysfunctional family, both immediate and extended. I am the only one who’s worked to better myself. Booze, drugs, poverty, stripping, welfare, abuse, etc, is the normal way of life to my family. So is breeding like rabbits. The girls (my cousins) have lots of kids, who all have different fathers, whom they seldom marry. The guys really aren’t any better – it’s just harder to determine how many illegitimate children they really have. None of them take responsibility for the actual raising of the kids they have.


I grew up knowing life wasn’t fair. I accepted it. I didn’t really care that I’d been neglected, sexually and emotionally abused, was treated like a piece of dirt for being a welfare kid (that was before it was cool to be so), and many other things I survived or overcame from my childhood. I believed I could change the direction of my life and I did so. And yes, it was with God’s help. But He didn’t offer me anything that He hasn’t also offered my family (and millions others), I just reached out to receive it.


But this one thing makes me cry out to God, “It’s not fair!” Why is it that I am having such difficulty, when I’ve overcome so much and have so much to offer? We can provide a safe, loving home, and meet the needs of a child financially, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. And I know I’m not the only one. Before I became a Christian, I’d only known one person who’d dealt with infertility – my friend LaNae, who was a Christian. But since I’ve become a Christian, I’ve met, known, and have heard of lots of other people who also struggle with this issue. Once again, it’s not fair!


So now we are faced with more choices. Do we continue on, trying to have another child of our own, trusting God to provide, and likely facing more bitter disappointment? Do we look into the option of adoption? Do we simply quit, accept the one child God has given us and be content to be a family of three? I’ve thought of adoption in the past, but I would rather it be a choice because that is what we want to do, not because we are forced into it because we have no other option.


I ‘feel’ very differently than what I ‘know’ and right now, this is my reality. I don’t need pat Christian answers or patronizing platitudes. Since the miscarriage is not yet complete, obviously neither is the grief. This is something we will get through, but I wish we didn’t have to. Frankly, it sucks. I wish this wasn’t happening again, but it is. And I know, that in the grand scheme of things, my problems are pretty minor compared to what millions, perhaps billions, throughout the world are suffering. Still, they are my problems and they do hurt. I haven’t been ok in the last couple of weeks, and it will probably be awhile before I am. Please don’t tell me that my pain will help someone else some day, because right now, I just don’t care.


Thanks for letting me vent and process. Thank you for allowing me to share my anguish, anger, and acceptance. Again.

This Day . . .

"This day I marry my best friend, the one I laugh with, live for, dream with, love."


These were the words we used to for our wedding verse. It was true then, and still is now. Seven years ago today, I was incredibly honored to marry my best friend. I was thirty-three years old, and had nearly given up on finding real love. It had taken me thirty-three years, and I went through a lot of frogs, but I finally found my prince. Thank you, Jesus!








The years have gone by quickly. They’ve been amazing years too. We never had that awkward period of adjustment that everyone talks about. The dreaded first year was wonderful. So was the second. And third. As well as every year since. In a way, we really do still feel like newlyweds.


It hasn’t been the picture of perfection though, it’s too real for that. We’ve had some bad times, but mostly good times. There has been pain, but mostly joy. We’ve even had a few disagreements, but never anything serious. I can honestly say we have never had a knock-down, drag-out type of fight. We’ve never yelled at each other, called one another names, or disrespected each other in any way. I guess you could say we’re boring!


As the years have passed, I have remained thankful that God would bless me with such a wonderful man to spend my life with. He is a really good man. It is not a stretch for me to say that he has more honor, integrity and good character than most pastors I’ve known personally and probably more than a whole lot more that I don’t know personally. His faith and his walk with God are very real and very strong. He doesn’t just talk the talk, he walks the walk. He is a good leader, good husband, good provider, good father, and still my best friend. And I am a much better person because I have him in my life.


And honey, if you’re reading this, I still do!

My Great Epiphany!

Ok, so I mentioned on my Facebook page the other day, that I had an epiphany, but didn’t elaborate at the time. I guess people really do read all those blurbs, because I’ve had several people mention it since, both in person and through e-communication. So, I’ve decided to go ahead and divulge this great “Ah-ha” moment that I had.


Many of you know from reading this blog over the last year that I didn’t come from a close or healthy family. I’ve divulged much of my testimony in various posts throughout the year. But for those of you who may not know, I grew up in poverty and a single-mom household that was dysfunctional. My mother has a lot of . . . issues. Depression, hopelessness and a victim-mentality rule her life. I experienced hunger and humiliation, emotional and sexual abuse, and neglect. My growing up years were based on survival and as such, I was fiercely independent and headstrong. In many ways, I was more like the parent of the household, for myself, my little brother and my mother.


Obviously we are not a close-knit family. Even to this day we are not close. I try to honor my mother as best as I can, but her choice has been to remain distant from my life. I love her, and I pray for her, but I have strong and healthy boundaries, and will not allow myself to get sucked into the drama and dysfunction that I once knew. And I feel good about my life and know that God is ok with it too. What remains is in His hands. My mother gives what she can, which is very little, but now I can accept that, and further I'm happy for that.


The summer before my senior year, I signed up for the Air Force in delayed enlistment. Within two weeks of my graduation, I was off to basic training. I was thrilled and excited and full of fear too! When I left, I said a quick goodbye, with a quicker hug, to my mother and turned to face my new life. Then I noticed something. Others, guys and gals, who were making the same journey, were holding onto their families tightly and crying. I was shocked and confused by this. I just didn’t get it. It never occurred to me to cry, that this might be a sad or lonely thing. As far as I was concerned, it was an exciting new adventure and I was free!


Through the years since, I’ve seen this type of thing many times. I’ve seen tears at saying goodbye to and missing family, a longing to be together, through the good and the bad, talking to parents and siblings often on the phone, and getting together for holidays and even just because. I came to realize that that was “normal,” and I was not. I still didn’t get it, and I didn’t understand it, but I accepted it. My normal was independence, distance and friends – not family. In fact, I held tight to my belief in family by choice, not by chance, meaning my friends and pets were my family, not those I was blood related to.


Fast forward to now and my recent epiphany. We were watching The Biggest Loser the other night and the remaining contestants all got to go home for the week. It was touching and emotional and just… nice. When it was time for them to go back to the ranch though, it was so clear how hard this was for many people – especially the moms who had to say goodbye to their children. I was incredibly moved by these scenes.


I began thinking about how would I handle a separation like that from my beloved husband and precious daughter? Just thinking about it made me cry. Literally. And that was it! That was my great epiphany! I realized then that I had made it to “normal.” All of a sudden, I got it. And I realized once again, the amazing faithfulness of God. He took my deepest longing to have a family that I loved fiercely and enjoyed too, and He gave it to me! I realized that He gave me an Eph. 3:20 family, that He gave me beauty for ashes, and He restored all that the locust had stolen. And I was, and am, so very grateful! Thank you, Jesus!


“Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us.” ~ Ephesians 3:20

My Thanksgiving Thankful

This is my official Thanksgiving Thankful post. It was first published at Julie Arduini’s blog, The Surrendered Scribe this last Monday. In case you missed it there, I’m publishing it here in its entirety, with a little extra ‘thankful’ added at the end. What are you thankful for this year?

~~~

It is the time of year to start thinking of what I’m thankful for. Actually, I’ve been thinking about it for quite awhile, as you may know if you ever read my “Thankful Thursday” posts. This is a special post I’m doing to really give thanks for the amazingly blessed life I have, as well as to participate as a guest writer for the amazing Julie Arduini, at her blog The Surrendered Scribe. Julie is participating in “NaBloPoMo Challenge” (see http://www.nablopomo.com/) to do 30 posts in 30 days, using guest writers.

I realize that I have a great life, full of many things to be grateful for. There is one thing in particular that I’d like to focus my thankfulness on. God has blessed me with a wonderful family of my own.

See I didn’t grow up in a healthy, functional home and for the first 30+ years of my life, I felt that I was all alone. I wasn’t an orphan, but it sure seemed that way. I had good relationships with friends, but it wasn’t the same. I always felt I was lacking something very significant in my life (other than the obvious – God). Holiday’s, birthday’s, vacation’s – they all seemed empty and I was always lonely.

When I was 30, I finally got saved. That helped a lot. I had a new, amazing relationship with my Father God. For this I was, and remain, thankful. But still, I was alone. I think it was good to be alone for a time with my Father – it gave me time to really know Him intimately. But after a time, the longing for a family of my own returned with a vengeance. And God heard my prayers and gave me the desires of my heart. Now I’ve been married nearly 7 years and have a 13-month old daughter, and I see that I truly do have an Eph. 3:20 family (Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us).

I am thankful for my husband Jeff, who is my partner, my best friend and the love of my life. I hold him in the highest esteem. He is a wonderful husband, father, and man of God. He inspires me to be a better person and the best me I can be. His love for Sweet Pea and I, is surpassed only by His love for God. He is a hard worker, honor and integrity go to the very core of his being. He makes me laugh, helps me cry and leads me in our life. All of the years of loneliness were worth it to finally get the man God had for me.

I am thankful for my little Sweet Pea. She is the joy of my life. I waited a very long time for her, but again, the wait was worth it. I know understand how powerful, how fierce, love can be. As I watch her learn and grow, I am getting glimpses of the person she is to be. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for her, there is no sacrifice I wouldn’t make for her. I pray constantly that I would be a good mother and raise her in the ways of God. I understand the importance of me being a good leader to her, so that one day she’ll be a great leader in the Kingdom of God.

And I am thankful for my Father, who has given me so many good and perfect gifts. I remember what it was to be without Him and can honestly say that I am nothing without Him. His love and forgiveness are more to me than life itself. I hope to never stop growing in His ways and to always become more like Jesus. While I’m not as far as I’d like to be, I thank God that I’m no longer where, or who, I was! All praise to Him!

~~~

In addition to the above things that I am so grateful for, I’d like to offer thanks for one more thing. Living in the Phoenix area, we don’t experience Holiday weather the way many people around the country do. But this year is different! For the first time since I can remember, we will be celebrating Thanksgiving with unseasonably cool temperatures and rain. It is forecasted to be only in the low to mid 60’s on Thanksgiving Day, which to many of you I’m sure is actually quite warm, but for us, when the temps are usually in the 80’s (or even 90’s!) this time of year, this is a treat! So I’m Thankful for cooler temps and rain for Thanksgiving! Hallelujah!!!

Sick Little Sweet Pea

Hi Everyone! For the last few days, my little Sweet Pea has been fighting a fever. She seems to be on the road to getting better. We had pictures done on Saturday, and this one will show how she's been for the last three days. She's still awfully cute though! Blessings!

My Little Sweet Pea

I don’t do a lot of “Mommy” post, but please, indulge me in this one. My baby is growing up. Sweet Pea is now 14-months old. She can walk, but doesn’t do it much. She no longer looks like a baby at all – she’s now a toddler in looks as well as age. She finally gave up the bottle a couple of weeks ago and is now solely on the sippy-cup.

Of course, all of this is to be expected. As time passes, babies grow, and that’s a good thing. Crawling, then walking, developing as a toddler, I’m so happy to see this all happening as it should be. Still, I miss some of the truly baby stuff, though that doesn’t include middle of the night feedings.

I’m so enjoying her right now. I’m blessed to be able to stay at home with her and I treasure that. She delights me! When I hear her singing her own little songs it warms my heart. I feel an explosion of joy when I hear her laugh. And lately, she’s begun dancing. To see her little tushie shaking and moving to the music just makes me melt!

So this post is for my little Sweet Pea, my precious little baby who is now growing into a very special little girl. I pray that I will always enjoy her, whatever stage she’s in and that God would give me the wisdom to train her up the way He wants me to, to help shape her into wonderful person He has created her to be.

Thank you for indulging me in this “Mommy” post. This morning as I watched her wiggling and jiggling to “The Bunny Song” from Veggie Tales, I was overwhelmed with love and pride and awareness of her growth, so I just had to record it. She is my greatest gift! Blessings to you, and all of your little ones too (even if they’re not so little anymore)!

A Heavy Heart, Again

Once again I come to my computer with a heavy heart. Today I said goodbye to another precious friend and fur-baby. My beloved cat Prissy died sometime while we were sleeping. (Needless to say, we did not go to church.) She was thirteen years old, and I’d had her for eleven years.

I’ve written of Prissy before. How she adopted me at PetSmart. If you’d like to read about that experience you can click here. She’d been abused before and was a very skittish cat. But we were a good fit. She needed to get acquainted in her way and in her time and I understood that. In my opinion, her beauty was beyond compare. She was a long-haired calico and the colors on her coat were stunning. She was a large kitty – about as round as she was tall.

She was a birthday gift to myself when I was a single gal living alone. Shadow followed within weeks after and it was the three of us for a few years. When Jeff and I got married, we became a blended family with us, my two cats and his dog Ashley. (Some of you may remember Ashley died just three months ago – if you’d like to read about that, you can click here.) And for two years it was just the five of us. Then along came two more cats – Salem and Mazzie. All of the family basically got along with a few tiff’s here and there. There was never any doubt though, that I was Prissy’s and she was mine.

Prissy remained rather aloof throughout the years. She kept her distance from the other animals, with the rare exception of Shadow, who had always attempted to get close to her. Once in awhile she’d get playful with him or they would sleep close together, but that was the exception rather than the rule. It has only been in recent years that she has even willingly come close to Jeff, allowing him to pet her. Prissy was never much of a cuddler, but once in awhile, on her terms, she would be a lap cat to me.

A fond memory I have of her, is her desire to groom me. Periodically while I slept, she’d get up by my head and start trying to clean me – till she got too much hair, that is. I know a lot of people would think, eew gross, but not me. I understood she was showing me love in the way that she could. Her own hair was a problem for her too. It was really long and thick, but because she was so fat, she wasn’t able to properly clean herself and if let go too long, it would become matted. So, I did what any loving cat-mom would do – I got her shaved down every eight months or so. She hated, hated, hated that process, but when it was done she was sooo happy, because then she could actually feel me petting her. When it was long and thick, she just didn’t get much out of petting because it didn’t feel like much to her. So after a shave-down (and a few hours of pouting would pass), she would practically stalk me to have me pet her!

Eleven years is a long time to love someone so much. She’s been with me in good times and bad. She brought me much comfort at times when I really needed it. She has given me much laughter and smiles, and now tears.

As I mentioned when we lost Ashley, I’m one of those Christians who believe that our beloved pets will be waiting for us in Heaven. I just don’t think a loving God would give us the capacity to love this much if death was just the end. I believe God loves the animals too and that Heaven will be full of them. My heart hurts so very badly right now, but I believe I will see my Prissy again in Heaven. When we lost Ashley, we bought a memorial stone to put in our yard. It says, “If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I’d walk right up to Heaven and bring you home again.” That is truly how I feel.

The pain of hurt is acute right now, but the joy of love is even stronger, because I know that in time the pain will lesson, but the love never will. I have many wonderful memories of my Prissy and they bring me comfort and make me smile. She was a wonderful pet, fur-baby, friend and companion for eleven years and I will always hold her in my heart. I know the grieving has just begun and it will lessen in time. For now though, I’ll cling to the memories, look at the pictures and know she is in a better place right now, waiting for me. Thank you for reading this and taking the time to get to know my Prissy just a little bit.

Tagged Again ~ I Love My Hubby Because...

I have been tagged again! The amazing Julie Arduini tagged mea at her blog The Surrendered Scribe, and this time I get to share five reasons why I love my hubby. If you don’t regularly read Julie’s blog, I highly recommend it. She’s a very talented and insightful writer and writes for several sources. She has a heart for marriage and is also doing a weekly Political Roundup through the election (and unlike me, she strives to be objective).


THE RULES:
Grab the graphic and insert with these rules, in your post.Give at least 5 reasons why you love your hubby. List more if you want.Tag 5 people (or more) to play along and link to their blogs in your post.Then visit those women’s blogs and leave them a comment on any of their posts.

I CHOOSE TO TAG:
~ Valerie @ Simply 4 God

~ Tracey @ Cheese and Whine

~ Lori @ Persevere

~ Peculiar @ How Do We Get There From Here

~ Jill @ Forever n Ever n Always

5 REASONS I LOVE MY HUBBY:

1) He is a wonderful and Godly man. He has very high integrity, intelligence and standards which he holds himself to. He passionately loves the Lord, me and our daughter. He is full of wisdom and truth. I respect him and his opinion immensely. I know I am a better person because I have him in my life.

2) He is my best friend. He supports me, encourages me and believes in me, in all that I do. I have no fear of being who I really am when I’m with him. He truly gets me. I would rather be with him (and Sweet Pea) than anyone else.

3) He makes me laugh. We have lots of fun and really enjoy spending time together. He is quiet and subdued, so most people don’t really experience his sense of humor and the rare, but fantastic, zingers he comes up with.

4) He is my partner. He works hard at his job to support our family (allowing me to be a SAHM). He also actively participates in parenting and takes over in the evenings after work, allowing me to go workout. And, he helps around the house with cooking, cleaning, laundry, whatever needs to be done. We talk about everything, make plans together and are working at building a secure future together.

5) He is a great father. He is completely smitten with our daughter and honestly enjoys being with her. He changes her, bathes her, feeds her, comforts her – anything she needs, he’s there for her. Nothing warms my heart more than seeing them play, dance, or cuddle.

One Whole Year ~ Thankful Thursday

Well, here it is again - Thankful Thursday! I’m so happy to be able to offer up “Thanks” regularly for the many wonderful blessings I have, whether large or small, significant or mundane. I’d like to offer a special thank you to Iris at her blog, Sting My Heart for hosting this wonderful Meme. If you would like to participate or just read from more thankful hearts, pop on over to Thankful Thursday and join us.

As always, there’s much to be thankful for. Choosing my “Thankful” topic for today was very easy. Exactly one year ago today, my wait was over, my dream came true and my joy was complete. At 9:30 AM on 9/18/07, my little Sweet Pea was born. This week I am thankful for:

~ A beautiful, happy and healthy daughter.

~ Her laughter and squeals of delight.

~ Her obviously above-average intelligence. ;)

~ The sweet singing that awakens me each morning.

~ The long cuddles and hugs she gives me following her waking from bedtime or naptime.

~ The beautiful smile that lights up her face, the room we’re in and my own heart.

~ A depth of love I never before knew existed.

And I am especially thankful to the Lord, for this amazing and perfect gift that He has entrusted me with.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEET PEA!!!

I'm Baaack...

We returned from our wonderful family vacation Sunday night. As you may recall, we were blessed to be able to leave the heat of the Phoenix area to spend a week in the awesome Lake Tahoe area. It was beautiful and amazing and restful, not to mention cooler than we’re used to in the Valley of the Sun this time of year! To me, there really is something special about being surrounded by nature and I always feel closer to God when I am. We really enjoyed the friendly blue jay that frequently visited our balcony and occasionally came in our room. Though I must admit, the numerous “beware of bears” notices were a bit disconcerting.





This vacation was the first for our little Sweet Pea and the first for us with her. She is nearly a year old now and while it was definitely more work to vacation with a baby, it was also more special in lots of ways. It was a time of many firsts for her. For the first time she felt pine needles and rough tree bark, sat in grass, stood in a lake, had a couple of french fries, lay in a hammock (with Daddy, of course!), went down a slide, rode in a swing, and went on a bike ride.













We had a great time with her and I think she had lots of fun too. We were staying up at the northwest part of the lake, at the Olympic village, but Jeff’s father lives in Reno, so we were able to visit him too. We also went to Virginia City (the old west town) and had a good time there. One of the best parts though, was Sweet Pea getting to meet her 95-year old great-grandma. It really was a very special time. (So now she has met Jeff’s 95-year old grandma and my 87-year old grandma!)




Unfortunately, we couldn’t stay indefinitely. As usual, when it came time to leave, I didn’t want to come home. And yet I was so happy to get home. I’m an odd duck, I know. It was great to see our 4-legged family again and to sleep in our own beds. But, it was hard to leave such beauty, cool temperatures and relaxation. However, we came home feeling refreshed, rejuvenated and reconnected as a family again. In short, it was fantabulous!

And Life Goes On

As you’ve probably noticed, I’ve been a bit silent lately – which is to say I haven’t been writing much. Certainly those of you who know me personally realize that silent is not my style, whether grieving or not. :) But I’m back now and wanted to touch base and give a bit of an update.

Saying goodbye to our beloved dog, Ashley, was very difficult. She really was a GREAT dog, friend, companion and (as a friend would say) furbaby. As to be expected, the first few days were difficult. There were things like washing and putting away her food bowl and looking for her first thing in the morning to let her out, that were especially difficult. It would be a moment of absent-mindedness and then it would all come back like a wave crashing down. Now we don’t look for her as much, but we will never stop missing her. The tears seem to have stopped, but the love remains.

While it may seem silly to some, I went to PetSmart and bought a Memorial Stone to place in the back yard. It is intended not only for Ashley, but will serve as a memorial for our other lost furbabies in the future. It’s a simple stone, like a cement stepping stone, with the verse “If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I’d walk right up to heaven and bring you back again”. That describes perfectly how we feel and while we know it isn’t possible to do, the very thought of it does bring us comfort.

I know many people don’t understand this kind of love and grief for an animal, and that’s ok. God made us all different, so the things that matter the most to us are different too. But the pain is real, just like the love is real. And I know this love too, is from God. We are really looking forward to the day that we are reunited in heaven, believing completely that she is there, waiting for us. Even the great Billy Graham alluded to that once, when he said, “I believe God will provide whatever it takes to make us happy in heaven, and I believe our pets will be there for our pleasure.”

I’d like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who understood what we were going through and took the time to offer us comfort. Jeff and I both received many wonderful, beautiful words of support and we took great comfort in them. It warmed our hearts to realize how many people have had, loved and lost their own furbabies. Thank you all for the amazing comments, poems and images that you left us, and for the many prayers that were said for us. We really, truly appreciate them and they helped more than I can say. God bless you all!

A Heavy Heart

It is with a very heavy heart that I write this latest blog post. Jeff and I had to have our beloved dog Ashley put down yesterday. For those who know me (us), you know this has caused us excruciating pain. We've always loved our pets like they were 4-legged, furry children. Our hearts are truly broken right now. In my Thankful Thursday post yesterday, I mentioned Ashley, knowing her time was coming soon. What I did not know was that it would be only a few hours later.

I'm so grateful for the time I had with her. She was an amazing dog, full of love and playfulness and life. The vet was amazed she made it 15 years and was as healthy as she was. We miss her deeply and I just can't keep the tears from falling. I know time will ease the pain, but right now the pain is searing. That said, I wouldn't change it, because I know the depth of the pain that I feel right now is in direct relation to the love that was shared. And I wouldn't give that up for anything. I believe she is in heaven now, waiting for us, ball in mouth and tail waving.

Jeff wrote a beautiful tribute to Ashley on his GodLinked blog. If you would like to read what he wrote, just click on A Tribute to Ashley. I know the grieving has just begun and we have a way to go. If you've ever had a pet you've loved this much, you'll undestand. If you haven't, and you don't understand, there's no way to explain it. Thank you for reading this, and if you have a beloved pet (or more than one) be sure to give them lots of hugs and don't forget the treats too!

Unexpected Consequence

Recently I discovered an unexpected consequence to planting myself and developing roots. Jeff and I have lived in this house for several years – 7 for him and 6 ½ for me. That is by far the longest either of us have ever lived anywhere. For him, the previous record was about 3 years and for me it was 2 years. He grew up as an Air Force brat and I, well I just moved a lot – particularly as a child. That I remember I went to about 12 different schools before I graduated and for Jeff it was a lot too. For different reasons, we both continued our nomadic lifestyles as adults.

But then we bought this house (actually, he bought it and I got it with the marriage) and though we expected to move again in a fairly short period of time, we are still here. And more importantly, we think we’ll be here for quite awhile! So I guess you could say that for the first time for either of us, we have roots. It has been nice keeping the same address for a long time. No change of address forms have been needed, thank you very much!

So what is this recently discovered, unexpected consequence to remaining in one place? Belongings. Stuff. Clutter. Whatever you want to call it. I have always been a weird sort of packrat. I have always been one to keep things and pack them away, for a time. But I always sorted, donated and discarded (a lot!), when I was packing for a move. It was always my goal to move as little stuff as possible, so consequently every year or two, I’d do major dumping of stuff. During these dumping frenzies, I lost some sentimentality and got realistic (do I really want that badly enough to move it?) about what I actually wanted. It worked.

I have looked around my house lately and thought where did all this stuff come from? There is stuff everywhere. Do I really need or use all of it? No, I’m sure I don’t. Now to be perfectly honest, some of it’s not ours. We’re storing stuff for his mom and for a friend who is out of the country. But still, we’ve got a lot of added stuff, that frankly I’m getting tired of looking at and dealing with. Even though I’m not planning to move anytime soon, I think it’s about time to work up a good dumping frenzy and do a little de-cluttering. But not now - I think I’ll wait till summer is over – this is Arizona (and HOT) after all!

An Everyday Hero

I’m really looking forward to this Sunday, which is Fathers Day. Having not ever known my own father, this is the first one I’ll be celebrating and honoring someone I love, my husband Jeff. This is the first year we’re ‘officially’ parents (I’m told the 4-legged kids don’t count). Our sweet baby girl, Reagan, is nearly nine month old. She has been a blessing and a joy for us both.

Just the other day I was asked, what had recently moved me deeply. I promptly responded. Not long ago, I saw Jeff singing to and dancing with Reagan. The scene was perfect and I was immediately moved to tears. It was so beautiful – a man (who doesn’t like to dance, by the way) holding his baby girl close to him, singing and dancing, seemingly oblivious to anything else. It was a sight that truly blessed me and is one I’m not likely to forget.

In that moment I realized how happy I was for my daughter. She has a daddy who loves her more than anything. She is so special in his eyes, and he can’t wait to see her when he gets home at night. Though he is often tired from a long day at work, he still takes time to play with her and just be with her. He has a good, strong work ethic and provides well for his family.

Jeff is a godly man. He has more honor and integrity than anyone I know and his walk matches his talk. He is strong, yet gentle and a great natural leader. Jeff is a very deep person and doesn’t talk a lot, but when he does, he has something to say. Something that should be heard. There is a natural wisdom that comes out from deep within him. He’s really intelligent, but also down to earth. He loves his wife and his little girl greatly. He truly is a wonderful man and while the world may not recognize him as such, to us, he’s a hero!

I’ve heard it said that a girl is naturally drawn to guys like her daddy. If that’s true, then I know that many, many years from now, she too will find and marry a good man. One who will love her, take care of her and cherish her the way she deserves to be. Because that is what is modeled for her now… If she’s ever allowed to date, that is!

(C) 2008 Tracy Keck