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Remember, I have moved my book reviews to their own blog. Tracy's Book Nook is now active.


Friday, May 1

Anguish, Anger, and Acceptance . . . Again

When I first started this blog, one year ago, I was being obedient to God by sharing my words, thoughts, etc. Most of what I post here comes solely from me, but some of what I post is from another source (My Princess book, American Patriot’s Almanac, etc). Sometimes I like to be informative, other times I like to simply have fun, and once in awhile I share with you my journey.


Regardless of what is posted each day, I strive to be real and relevant. Sometimes my words are for God, sometimes for others, and sometimes they are for me. Like most of you who do much writing, I find it to be cathartic. Sometimes, I simply have to let what is deep inside of me out. This is one of those times. While this is for me, it is not private otherwise I wouldn’t be posting it here. It is real and it is honest. I don't do fake Christianity.


First, let me say that I’ve been a Christian for ten years now. My relationship with God is deep enough that I can be real with Him, and He's big enough to handle it. I know there are mountain top experiences and valley experiences – and neither last forever. I understand that elation is on the mountain top while growth happens in the valley. I know God has a plan. I know He will never forsake me. I know He collects all my tears in a bottle. I know He uses things intended for harm and turns them into good. I know that God is good. I know all of this. But sometimes, I feel . . .


I had hoped to make a wonderful announcement soon. Instead I’m disappointed again. On March 31st, I discovered I was pregnant. We decided to wait until our first scheduled u/s to make the announcement. We were hopeful that this one would take. It hasn’t. We are now in the midst of our third miscarriage. Third. We have been dealing with this “threatened miscarriage” for two weeks already. The pregnancy is not viable, there’s basically nothing left but an empty sac, which is not passing on its own, so we had to schedule a D & C for next Wednesday. The day before what would have been our first scheduled u/s. Five days before Mother’s Day.


I don’t understand any of this. I’m hurt, disappointed, confused and angry. Very angry. I’m angry with my body for once again rejecting the life that was trying to grow within. And I’m angry with God. I know He could have intervened, but He didn’t. For whatever reason, known only to Him, He has allowed me to carry this burden again. As I have continued to delight myself in Him, I have not gotten the desires of my heart, but rather heartache.


I have an amazing, healthy and beautiful daughter that I love with all of my heart and I am eternally grateful for, but I wanted at least one more. Is that so wrong? This has been a five year journey. We are “older” first time parents and I desperately wanted to give Sweet Pea a sibling or two, because the likelihood of our passing when she is still relatively young is pretty strong. Of course that’s not the only reason we wanted another child. We just did.


The thing that gets me, is that those who seem least able or worthy of having children, have no problem doing so. Teens who are still children themselves, girls and guys who’d rather party than parent, drug addicts, welfare recipients, child abusers or murderers, etc. Rarely does a day go by that there’s not news of terrible child abuse. Just yesterday I heard of a local man and wife who’d been arrested for extreme child abuse. They admitted to breaking both the legs and an arm, as well as numerous other injuries, on their four year old daughter, over a potty training incident!


Once again, I just don’t understand. I come from a screwed up, dysfunctional family, both immediate and extended. I am the only one who’s worked to better myself. Booze, drugs, poverty, stripping, welfare, abuse, etc, is the normal way of life to my family. So is breeding like rabbits. The girls (my cousins) have lots of kids, who all have different fathers, whom they seldom marry. The guys really aren’t any better – it’s just harder to determine how many illegitimate children they really have. None of them take responsibility for the actual raising of the kids they have.


I grew up knowing life wasn’t fair. I accepted it. I didn’t really care that I’d been neglected, sexually and emotionally abused, was treated like a piece of dirt for being a welfare kid (that was before it was cool to be so), and many other things I survived or overcame from my childhood. I believed I could change the direction of my life and I did so. And yes, it was with God’s help. But He didn’t offer me anything that He hasn’t also offered my family (and millions others), I just reached out to receive it.


But this one thing makes me cry out to God, “It’s not fair!” Why is it that I am having such difficulty, when I’ve overcome so much and have so much to offer? We can provide a safe, loving home, and meet the needs of a child financially, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. And I know I’m not the only one. Before I became a Christian, I’d only known one person who’d dealt with infertility – my friend LaNae, who was a Christian. But since I’ve become a Christian, I’ve met, known, and have heard of lots of other people who also struggle with this issue. Once again, it’s not fair!


So now we are faced with more choices. Do we continue on, trying to have another child of our own, trusting God to provide, and likely facing more bitter disappointment? Do we look into the option of adoption? Do we simply quit, accept the one child God has given us and be content to be a family of three? I’ve thought of adoption in the past, but I would rather it be a choice because that is what we want to do, not because we are forced into it because we have no other option.


I ‘feel’ very differently than what I ‘know’ and right now, this is my reality. I don’t need pat Christian answers or patronizing platitudes. Since the miscarriage is not yet complete, obviously neither is the grief. This is something we will get through, but I wish we didn’t have to. Frankly, it sucks. I wish this wasn’t happening again, but it is. And I know, that in the grand scheme of things, my problems are pretty minor compared to what millions, perhaps billions, throughout the world are suffering. Still, they are my problems and they do hurt. I haven’t been ok in the last couple of weeks, and it will probably be awhile before I am. Please don’t tell me that my pain will help someone else some day, because right now, I just don’t care.


Thanks for letting me vent and process. Thank you for allowing me to share my anguish, anger, and acceptance. Again.

17 comments:

raeofhope said...

Tracy,

I love you and will go through anything with you. There are no words to take away your pain but I will share my tears and grieve with you.

Rae

Lori said...

Tracy,

I'm crying with you! It does suck! It's not fair. These words pierced right to my soul...

"As I have continued to delight myself in Him, I have not gotten the desires of my heart, but rather heartache." I know. I know.

I wish I could hug you. I love you my friend. I am grieving with you.

The Surrendered Scribe said...

Tracy,
I am so, so, sorry. I wish I had answers, all I can offer are prayers and that nod that many thoughts you share, I remember. I can not even put words to the anger I had going to Walmart watching adults bat around the "f" word to what I fear were their own children. It isn't fair and the most healing moment was when my prayer partner let me grieve in whatever form it took. It was raw and real and I let every ounce out. Then she said we will seal this in prayer and trust God in this. It helped me so much because I didn't have to "act", she let me let it out and you know what, God can handle it. I clung to Him, even angry.

You are so loved. Please know that and know my "door" is open if you need me.

Billy Coffey said...

And I'm grieving with you, too.

Prayers for you, Tracy.

Blessed Mom of 8 said...

Tracy,

May you feel this hug I'm sending your way. May you hear me say it is OK to feel and say everything you did today! May you continue to share the deep sorrow that is brought on by this reality...I too felt confused when it happened for the third time two years ago.

The hard part was I pretended to understand because that is what everyone around me expected. That is what all the Christians told me to do. I was not grown up in Him like I am now - two years later - nor did I really know I could run to Him and trust Him to love me even though I was angry with the choices I was given.

You are right - He is big enough to handle you being angry, hurt, upset and every other emotion you are feeling. A time will come when you are ready to sit at His feet to listen to His soft voice again whispering that the why isn't important and that in no way is He punishing you - that you are doing just as He is asking - to keep trusting Him despite what is in front of you. Faith in the unseen and hope in the things not of this world.

He will speak to your heart about the next child or if another one is in His plan for your family. He will! He will guide you and comfort you - and He knows just what you need now.

I pray you receive all that He has for you today!

I love you - hugs and many prayers!
Jill

Today's Christian Mom~ said...

(((Big hugs))) Love you Tracy!
I know, like you said that is the one thing I think of over and over when I hear stories of wonderful people like you not being able to have babies and drug addicts (like my niece) keep having drug addicted babies simply because they don't care for other people to raise and care for it just makes me pull my hair out! It is times like this that I just don't understand when he says ask and it shall be given to you and then it's not. I am glad you know he has a plan. Thank you for sharing your human emotions with us.

GrammaGrits said...

I pray healing and comfort for you. Having miscarried several times many years ago, I understand the pain. From an older woman's perspective and having walked through several hard things in the past 10 years, God has taught me to trust him. Pain has brought a new understanding of worship. The Word and music have been constant sources of encouragement. We do not know what the days ahead hold for us individually or as a country. He is faithful, He knows the beginning from the end, His love and mercy are constant. God bless you with His peace and grant you wisdom.

Nitewrit said...

Tracy,

I can't give you advice only hope. I've been to that anguish, to that pit and I will mentally hold you while you scream and cry if that is your need right now, because I've done that physically for someone too. I won't go into detail here other than to say there is hope after the despair, and I can tell you this is so from personal experience.

Trust in God and in prayer.

Larry E.

Tamela's Place said...

I am so sorry Tracy. I won't pretend i have answers or words of comfort because i don't. Know that my thoughts and prayers are with you though. May God give you His peace that passes understanding!

Toia said...

I am so sorry. You're right...it's not fair. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

LauraLee Shaw said...

* Tears * Tracy, I am grieving with you and praying for you.

Dee Yoder said...

I am so sorry. So sorry. Praying for you and your family,
Dee

Patty Wysong said...

tears and prayers.
many of both.

Joanne Sher said...

I'm so sorry, Tracy. I wish I had answers, but I can pray for you. And that I promise to do.

Laury said...

Thank you for being honest. Praying for you.

Peter Stone said...

Oh Tracy,
Your post breaks my heart, and resonates with me on so many levels. Your questions - questions that my wife and I asked as well. We married late, my wife at 34. Her first pregnancy, ectopic, also unviable, and very dangerous to her health. Seeing my wife after the operation, deflated, weak, wounded, was so hard. And when the doctors told this would almost certainly happen if we tried again, ie, we would probably never have children, we were crushed.

I understand your questions, why is it so hard to have a child when others who make no attempt to please God seem to pop them out at whim. Why won't God honor us for seeking Him?

I also can relate to your anger towards your body, and towards God. It seems your body is plotting and raging against you. I suffered severe depression back in the early 1990s, and those were my reactions at first as well. Why wouldn't God stop the depression, why wouldn't my body stop manufacturing the hideous symptoms of depression all day, every day, never stopping for a moment.

It seems like it is not fair, and that it sucks, but with God's kindgom, there is another perspective, though it is so alien to anything we would think of doing.

I wrote in my diary in 1990, ‘Why won’t Jesus help me - His Name is Saviour, so why am I failing so helplessly. All He needs to do is speak to my inner storm and say, “Peace, be still!” And then I will be whole again.’

What He taught me gently, over time, was that although my life appeared to be a complete mess and out of control, this was not the truth. Jesus was in control. Even when if felt unfair, even when I hurt like hell, He was still in control.

He used these times to teach me to rely upon His strength, 2 Corinthians 12:8-10.

But I think the biggest lesson I learned was this one: that I had to surrender control of my life to Jesus and to accept the suffering instead of fighting it and pleading for Him to end it - that I had to learn to be content regardless of what He allowed me to go through. Philippians 4:12-13 ‘I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.’

I'm sure you know Romans 8:28 and James 1:2-4. Only after I accepted that depression was part of my life and stopped fighting and fearing it, that could I understand these verses. I thanked and praised God for what He was doing in me through the depression, and for the depression as well.

As to your question, should you give up? This is the verse the Lord gave to my and my wife after losing our first little one. Joshua 1:9 “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

God gave us a gift of faith, and we kept on trying. We had a daughter. Years later we tried again. After nothing happened, I wanted to give up, as my wife was 42. But full of faith, my wife wanted to keep trying. A year later, she was pregnant with our son.

I cannot say what plans God has for your life, and I cannot say that He will do as He did for us, but I do know that He is in control of your life, and that He will comfort you and lead you through this, drawing you closer to Him as a result. I do know that whatever path the Lord leads you down, you can find contentment and complete acceptance that this is His plan for you - a good plan. Whether adoption, continuing to try, and whatever He leads to you do.

(Hope I didn't go on too long, sorry.)

God bless
From another Faithwriter
Peter Stone

Nitewrit said...

Good morning, Tracy.

I just wanted to say you've been in my mind and prayers over the weekend. May each day bring you peace and a lighter load.

Many who have commented here are probably strangers to you and yet they care about you. Think how much more Our Lord, who is not a stranger to you, cares.

God bless,

Larry E.