The title for this post is taken from the classic old hymn by the same name. The song, “It is Well With My Soul,” was written in 1874 by Horatio Spafford. He wrote it following a series of tragic events – the death of his only son, then the Chicago fire (which ruined him financially), and finally the death of all four of his daughters, when the ship they were on (with his wife) collided with another ship and sank. Passing by the area in which they died, on his way to join his grieving wife, he was inspired to pen the words to this now famous hymn. I think it is safe to say that Horatio Spafford knew tragedy intimately.
How was he able to respond so well and continue on in the face of such tragedy? Only through the grace of God. He knew God as his Father, Lord, Comforter and Hope. His faith in God was built on the solid rock of Jesus, not the soft sand of circumstance. He and his wife made it through the darkest of days and had three other children, two girls and one boy. Sadly, this boy too died. In 1881 the Spafford family moved to Jerusalem and helped found the American Colony, whose mission it was to serve the poor. They remained there the rest of their days, fulfilling this mission.
I’m grateful to say I haven’t experienced this much loss in my life. Like all of us though, I have experienced my own losses. “It is Well with My Soul” came to mind this morning, while I was reflecting on my latest loss.
Yesterday I experienced my second miscarriage. Though I suspected I was, I hadn’t been sure I was pregnant, so there wasn’t time to get attached or make plans or fall in love. And yet, somehow I did love. I grieve now for what I’m missing, for what could have been. But I grieve with faith and hope. I know that though I may not know them here and now, I will know my unborn babies someday, in heaven. And I know that my Father, the best Daddy ever, is caring for them better than I even could. I know they will never know pain, sickness, sorrow or death. This comforts me.
For those of you who may wonder, yes I did know for sure that I was having a miscarriage. Having experienced this before, I knew what was happening. For the sake of privacy and propriety, I’ll spare the details.
Most of you don’t know me personally and don’t know how difficult the journey to having a family has been. It took a year and a half to get pregnant the first time, which ended in the first miscarriage. It then took eight months to get pregnant again. We were so happy when our precious little Reagan was born. We wanted to have another one, so we began trying right away. Because of our ages, we’re both 39, we knew we couldn’t wait. We agreed to the deadline of turning 40 (which is December for both of us) to be the point in which we stop trying to conceive.
As that time draws near, I realize that our family may be just the three of us. We know we are incredibly blessed to have Reagan and love her as much as we possibly can. We trust the Lord and His plan for our lives. If that includes another child, we will happily welcome it into our arms. If not, we will focus on the amazing one He’s already given us and be content with her. I know He understands my heaviness of heart, and He is with me always.
Still, I’m left with questions there are no answers too. Why is it so hard for us, when we have so much to offer and want it so badly? Why is it so easy for those who abuse what they are given? Why, why, why?! I know there are no answers for these, and the many other questions I have, this side of heaven. Maybe someday I’ll know the answers. Maybe someday it won’t matter. Though I do long for another child, right now, I’m thankful for the wonderful husband and daughter I have. I know I am a Blessed One.
It is Well with My Soul (first verse and chorus)
When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
By Horatio Spafford
