To Begin Anew

It has been so long since I’ve actually written a blog post, I almost feel as though I should begin with by introducing myself. How about just an update? For those of you who’ve been reading my blog for only the last six to nine months, it may seem as though book reviews are all I do. That isn’t truly the case. For those of you who’ve missed my actual writing, I’m pretty sure it is back now.

First, I had decided to use a pen name for my writing and online presence, and had some really good reasons for doing so; it was interesting, fun and security-minded, which I thought was wise, in this open-information age we live in. The one reason I never acknowledged to myself, much less others, was that a pen name was different. It belonged to someone else. A writer. Someone with talent, confidence and purpose. Someone not me.

But alas, God spoke to me about that (as He will do when allowed), and quite directly told me that if my real name wasn’t good enough, no pen name in all the world would ever be good enough. Ouch. See, the name was not the problem, my perception of myself was (and is) the problem. So now, He and I are working on that. And I have returned to using my real name, because according to God, it (and I, by the way) is good enough.

Second, the reason I have written nothing except book reviews for the last half a year or longer, is because I haven’t had the words. Now, those of you who know me personally may laugh, because the idea of me not having words is actually pretty funny. But what I mean is this, when I write, my words are not my own. When I write, the words that are transferred from my mind, to my fingers, to the keyboard, then the screen, are really the words God gives me. In truth, they are His Words.

The reason I haven’t had words to be able to write is because I have been isolated. I have been distant from God, wandering around in the desert (which felt an awful lot like Hell), desperately putting one foot in front of the other to just keep going. In this awful place I experienced the weight of depression, oppression, and self-pity. I allowed anger and frustration to rule in my life. Sounds like a great place to be, right? I have not experienced darkness and heaviness like since before I became a Christian eleven years ago.

The good news is, I’m back! I have my energy, my zest, my enthusiasm, and most importantly, my faith back. The one blog post I’ve written so far in 2010 was called I Will Not Grow Weary. In it, I spoke a bit of what I’d been dealing with, and how I felt that my theme verse for this year (personally and on my blog) was from Galatians 6:9, And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap a harvest of blessing if we do not give up. But I was weary, and I almost gave up…

But God! I love way that sounds! But God would not give up on me, and He wouldn’t let me give up on me, or Him, either. It didn’t matter what I was feeling, God came along, and He held me, and He lifted me up, He comforted me, and strengthened me, and He brought me through. Yes, I was battered and bruised, but I made it through. But God wasn’t finished… He’s showered me with love, put a song in my heart, filled me with hope and if that wasn’t enough, He’s given me words! Because once again, I’m aware that my words are not just for me, and He will accomplish His purposes with them.

My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts. The rain and snow come down from the heavens and stay on the ground to water the earth. They cause the grain to grow, producing seed for the farmer and bread for the hungry. It is the same with my word. I send it out, and it always produces fruit. It will accomplish all I want it to, and it will prosper everywhere I send it. ~ Isaiah 55:8-11

In closing, I excited to be able to begin anew. I have two new blog posts that are coming soon. In them, I will expand on what I’ve alluded to here. I will also continue doing book reviews, but will probably not do as many. All book reviews will state that in the title, whereas a normal blog post will merely have the title. There may be some aesthetic changes to Seed Thoughts, but for the most part it will remain the same. I’m so glad to be back and look forward to spending time here with you all again!

Sowing Seeds,

Tracy