She writes again ~ finally! It has been a long time, a very long time, since my last post. I have missed blogging. I have missed my blogging friends. But . . . I had no words. Oh sure, I could put a few thoughts together, but then everything went blank. In a sense it was writer’s block, but it wasn’t just writer’s block. More accurately it could probably be described as life block.
Have you ever experienced a life block? It could be known by other names ~ the desert, the wilderness, the valley, or . . . hell. The term doesn’t really matter, the point is, it’s a very lonely, dry, tumultuous place to be. This particular season of my life lasted seven years. And that, my friends, is a very long time. I do believe though, finally, that I am coming out of this desolate time. I do believe that things are starting to turn. I do believe that no matter how distant from me God seemed, the truth is He was right there beside me, holding me up, and sometimes even picking me up.
There is much I don’t understand. Things I don’t have satisfying answers to. But I do know this, “Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows, but take heart, because I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33 NLT) The truth is we are all on a journey and that journey will be filled with good things and bad.
I have always considered myself a fairly strong, optimistic person. But when the bad outweigh the good, substantially, for an extended period of time, a person can get weary. And that’s how I was . . . weary, worn-down and barely holding on. Or maybe I wasn’t even holding on anymore, maybe Someone was holding on to me (which is probably more accurate).
Here is a glimpse of some of the “trials and sorrows” that were the substance of my life block:
~ Infertility along with four miscarriages
~ Significant financial loss due to an investment gone bad
~ My husband losing the job he held for sixteen years and unemployment for over a year
~ Selling our home to live off the equity
~ Watching the church we loved and poured everything into completely implode
~ Failed relationships with friends and church leaders
~ Betrayal by Christian friends and business associates
And here is the “I have overcome” that sustained me:
~ I have a beautiful, healthy, kind-hearted, sweet-spirited daughter who is a constant source of joy, love and laughter, that I love more than life itself.
~ Strong, powerful lesson learned about the role of finances in our lives.
~ My husband lost his job, but not his identity and freedom from the oppression that came with his job.
~ We were able to sell our home quickly in a down economy and had enough equity in our home to be able to live off of.
~ Finding an even better church that we love, one that is stable, strong, Christ-centered and God-seeking, that has shown us love and given us time to heal and refresh our weary souls.
~ New relationships with healthy people and mature church leaders.
~ Valuable lesson that the term “Christian” should in no way allow a free-pass, but rather to use time, prayer, observation and discernment as a way to consider the establishment of trust.
It’s true that I’ve had substantial trials and sorrows, but I have come to believe that it has not been in vain. I have learned and grown so much through this time. It has been firmly, deeply, rooted in me that God will never leave me nor forsake me ~ regardless of how I feel. Maybe someday I’ll have more answers, and then again, maybe not. Somehow it doesn’t seem as important now.
I’ll write more about it in the future I’m sure. And a lot of it probably won’t be pretty. But it will be real. Because that’s the only way I know how to be.